The Beloved-Chapter 9
"Now you earn it"
Theo sat in the middle of the Labor Temple conference table. The room stank of dust, burnt coffee, and desperation. Pam was finishing up her report on the contract negotiations meeting. Boeing was holding strong to the 2.5% raise, but had upped the raise in vacation days and lowered the healthcare premiums even further. They even promised assistance for people with student debt. “That’ll just go to the managers and SEIU anyways.” Jack said with a snort.
Nurlan swept his eyes across the table with an iron gaze. After a few moments of silence following Pam’s report, he said, “It’s still not enough. People will stop paying their dues if we throw this contract at them.”
“It could pass a vote though.” Jack replied
“At this point, a firm handshake with a smile could pass a vote. People are desperate, that doesn’t mean we need to give them any more reason to think we’re useless. Anyways, let’s move on to the treasurer’s report. Theo, how’s the strike fund looking?”
Theo put both hands on the table and spread them, “Better than before. We’ve raised another 100 thousand thanks to some sympathetic NGOs, another 50 thousand on top of that from the bake sales and spaghetti dinners, not to mention that punk show we pulled off on Rainier Beach. Great idea, by the way, Gary. That barely makes a dent in what we need however. We could add 50, maybe 75 a week with what we’ve raised if we’re gonna make this strike as long as it needs to be. To put it bluntly, if you have any friends with deep pockets and a guilty conscience, now’s the time to call them.” The group laughed, even Nurlan smirked.
Nurlan cleared his throat, “So what you’re saying, then, is that we need to get more creative.”
“Creative, or more ruthless.”
“We can’t exactly go shake people down anymore, sadly.” Nurlan started to tap his binder with a pen.
“I never said we need to do that, but we are definitely going to need to think outside the box here.” Nurlan rubbed his temples. Theo stared blankly at the rest of those at the table. Everyone looked at him expectantly, like they thought he had some kind of plan. As if Theo was there for anything other than fucking them over.
After a few moments, Nurlan grunted, “Let’s table this for now. Theo, Jack, form a working committee to find new avenues for fundraising. Pam, keep writing grant proposals to NGOs. Maybe one avenue we could get creative with is using trade apprenticeship grants to go into the strike fund somehow. Check with legal on that, first, though. Alright, let’s move on to media strategy.”
The meeting became a flurry of proposals, slogans, and backslapping. Committee after committee made their report, flying straight through Theo’s ears. The actual machinations of the union weren’t of much importance to him. What mattered to him was Nurlan. He studied him throughout the meeting. Watching the little flutters of movement in his face as someone gave another round of bad news. The way he would sigh when someone laughed off their missed assignment. Theo methodically sipped his coffee through the whole thing, staring at the clock every 30 seconds, then quickly darting his eyes back to the table when he realized someone might notice.
The meeting came to a merciful end and Theo rushed to the bathroom, chucking his coffee cup in the trash on the way out, spilling coffee on the wall. His clammy hands fumbled with the baggie in the dim light of the bathroom. He tried to pour out a small amount onto his phone, but his hands shook too badly to keep it steady. He placed the phone on the back of the toilet. Guess germs aren’t my biggest concern now, he thought to himself. As he leaned down to snort it, he heard Nurlan and Jack walk into the room. They laughed as if they hadn’t just spend an hour explaining to each that they’re fucked.
Theo didn’t miss a beat. He leaned down again, feeling the sting in his nose before he had even breathed in. It made his nose run before it had even touched his skin. As he snorted, he heard Jack say to Nurlan, “That Theo kid seems to have a sharp head on his shoulders.”
Nurlan chuckled, “About as sharp as a cheese knife. That’s good by our standards, though.”
“Hard worker at least.”
“When he wants to be. I hear he’s a bit shaky on the floor, but he wants to be here, at least.”
Theo flushed the toilet to avoid arousing suspicion. He walked out of the stall and started washing his hands in the sink. Jack laughed as he glanced over from the urinal, “Speak of the devil.”
Nurlan looked down, embarrassed, “I didn’t mean that thing about the cheese knife.”
Theo looked over and smiled, “I’m just glad I could cut something.” He shook his hands off and made his way to the parking lot. He passed Nurlan’s BMW and looked back before turning to his ‘98 Volvo.
As he opened the door, he heard thudding feet come from behind him, Nurlan was shouting, “Hey, wait up.” Theo turned around with a blank expression. Nurlan was breathless as he came over, he huffed out, “Christ, I gotta get in better shape.”
Theo gave him a puzzled look, “Something up?”
Nurlan laughed, “Something up? I mean, yeah I could say that.” Theo looked at his feet sullenly, “I mean, we just gonna ignore that night forever?”
Theo waved him off, “It was a bad night. Won’t let it happen again.”
“That why you used the stall?”
“I’m pee-shy.”
Nurlan snorted, “You’re good with excuses.”
“Comes with the territory, I guess.”
“I was pretty good with ‘em too, you know. Gets easier when you don’t need to make them though.” Theo stared at him, blank face and pupils like the head of a pin, “I’m not gonna preach to you, kid. I just want you to know you ain’t the first person around who’s had to deal with this sorta thing. It’s a heavy weight to keep on your shoulders, don’t let it crush you.”
Theo sighed, “Doesn’t feel too heavy to me.”
“How much longer ‘til you puke around Lily, though, do you reckon?”
Theo turned around to open his car door, “Couple months, maybe. Enough time to get ready for the strike.”
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Cardboard boxes were stacked halfway to the ceiling. The apartment stank of weed. Lily dropped a box onto the floor. Theo shouted, “C’mon that’s the fine china.”
Lily rolled her eyes, “I’m not sure a filthy bong classifies as fine china.”
“It does in this house.”
“Why’d you even bring this? What are we gonna do with two bongs?”
Theo widened his eyes, “Smoke twice as much weed, duh.”
Lily shrugged, “Not sure we need an excuse to speed up.” She looked around the room, “That’s all the boxes, right?” Theo nodded. She rubbed her neck, “Thank Christ.”
Theo laughed, “Now for the best part, unpacking.”
Lily groaned, “Fuck that, let’s do that tomorrow.”
Theo smirked, “Working on the Lord’s day? No thank you.”
“Didn’t know you were a Jesus freak.”
“I’m a union man, and if God says I need to take a holiday, I listen. Next you’ll tell me to come into work on Christmas.”
“If we need a plane in on Christmas I just might.”
Theo wrapped his arm around her waist and pulled her closer. Lily let her lips part to show her smile. He pulled her closer, “I knew you were a suit.” Lily grabbed his face and kissed him. As she pulled away, they both smiled at each other. Lily nuzzled her nose into Theo’s and giggled.
She whispered to him, “Just be careful, I might start bossing you around.”
“I’d like to see you try.” Theo let go of her and sank into the couch. He loaded his bong with some of Lily’s weed and took a hit.
Lily chuckled, “Smoking and unpacking? That your definition of efficiency?”
Theo shrugged, “Gotta have some breaks too.” After another hit, he smacked his thighs and sighed, “Be right back, just gonna hit the bathroom real quick.”
She gave an exaggerated sigh, “I’ll just start unpacking all by myself then.” Theo rolled his eyes and gave a half-hearted, dismissive wave to her as he walked into the bathroom. Lily grabbed a box labeled Books and took it down from the top of the stack. Have I ever seen him read? She thought to herself, hopefully it’ll all fit on the shelf. She cut the box open with her keys and started taking out books. She laughed as she perused the titles. As far as she could tell, he only had schlocky fantasy and books for middle schoolers. As she pulled out a book called “The Curse of the Werelord” She noticed a Bible at the bottom of the box. Maybe he is a Jesus freak. She pulled it out of the box and thumbed the pages. Despite the usual thickness of a Bible, it seemed oddly light. She shook it in her hands, something inside it shifted. Something soft and light, but not paper.
She crinkled her eyebrows and opened the book. The air shot out of her lungs as she looked down at the hollowed out interior of the Bible and the large, mostly empty plastic bag inside. It was the same powder she had found in the baggie before. She held it carefully between two fingers, like it was toxic waste. She shouted, “Theo!” No response.
She walked down the hallway and banged on the bathroom door, still no response. “Open the fucking door.” Followed by a few more bangs. After a few more moments of painful silence she rattled the door handle, it was open. She gasped as she walked in. The anger faded from her body and was replaced by panic. Theo was on the floor, lips blue. She watched him for a moment, hoping he’d snap out of it. She grabbed his face and slapped him, both to wake him up and to get some sort of emotional release. “Wake up!” She slapped him again, “Wake up, goddamnit” She began to sob as his head limped back in her arms. Tears dripped from her face onto his.
Finally, she remembered. She carefully laid his head back down on the ground and stood up. She rummaged through her bathroom cabinets and found the Narcan she was given at a festival once. “Please still, please still fucking work.” She unscrewed the cap and shoved the nozzle in Theo’s nose. She realized she had no idea how to spray. She fumbled with shaking hands to look at the directions on the back of the bottle. “Squeeze hard in the nostril” was all it read. Who knew it’d be so simple? She thought. She grabbed Theo again and sprayed the Narcan into his nose. He flinched for a moment, and then went limp again.
“No, no, please God no.” Lily sobbed. She pressed her forehead against Theo as tears streamed from her face onto his nose. After a few more breathless moments, Theo stiffened up again.
He threw Lily off of him. He gave the yelp of a scared gorilla as he scrambled from the floor to his feet. He flailed his arms around and ran into the wall. His breathing was shallow and frantic, Lily looked at him horrified. After a few moments, he began to slow his breathing and shake, “Lily-”
She pointed to the bag she had dropped on the floor, “What the fuck is that Theo?”
He looked over at the bag. His mouth opened, then closed, then opened again, “Do I have to say it?”
“If you want to stay here, you do.”
He huffed, “It’s nothing.”
“It’s nothing?! Theo, I just had to bring you back from the fucking dead.”
He rubbed his face, clearly getting agitated, “It’s just, it’s just how I get through the day is all.”
“What the fuck is this Theo?”
“It’s heroin.” Lily dropped the bag as if it was toxic. She began to hyperventilate and sob. Theo rubbed his face again and shook his shoulders, “This is an overreaction.”
“An overreaction?” Lily shouted with a cracked voice, “You just fucking died in my bathroom.”
Theo smirked, “Yeah, and I came back, thanks to you.”
She just stared at him, “That’s not fucking funny, Theo.”
He held up his hands, “Just trying to make light of a shitty situation. I wasn’t taking that much, honest. That might be hard to believe, now, but-”
“I don’t want your fucking excuses Theo! Do you have any idea what that was just like? Do you have any idea what it’s been like trying to put up with your shit these past few months?”
Theo blinked quickly, it had never occurred to him that she was noticing anything, “What do you mean? I had thought I’d been acting normally.”
“Your eyes, Theo, your fucking eyes. It’s like everytime you look at me lately you’re looking through me, not at me. They just-” Her voice broke again, “They just look fucking weird. I don’t know how to describe it. I don’t owe you a fucking description as it is.”
Theo held up his shaky hands, “I know, I know. I’m sorry. I really am. I just-” Now Theo’s voice began to break, “I don’t know how else to make it in this world.”
Lily held up the bag, “You call this making it?” Theo paused, then shook his head, “So you have a choice now Theo. You either take this, along with the rest of your shit back to Steve’s. Then you never talk to me again. Or, we flush this down the toilet and you ride it out until you can make it back to work.”
Theo’s mouth opened and his voice cracked, but no words came out. Already, thanks to the Narcan, he could feel the withdrawals worming their way through his body. He thought for a moment of packing up and leaving for Steve’s. But he knew that there was too much to do, and he couldn’t risk Carl hearing about yet another fuck up. There were 3 months left until the strike, and he couldn’t use the last of the junk before the plan had a chance to go through. It was, after all, quite possibly the last remaining batch of pure heroin left on the planet. He grabbed the bag from her, and dumped its contents in the toilet. Lily gave a relieved sob and flushed it before he could rethink what he was doing.
Lily stood on shaking legs and held out her arms. Theo wobbled over and hugged her. She whispered through sobs into his ear, “Thank you. You don’t know what it means to me, to us.”
Theo let out a brief sob, and then choked it down, “Now what?”
Lily pulled back and looked through her tears, “Now you earn it.” Lily left his arms and walked out of the room. Outside, a car alarm was going off. Theo leaned back against the wall and slid down to the floor, head in shaking hands.
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Lily had called out of work two days in a row now, along with Theo. He was reaching day 4 of the withdrawals. They were worse than he had ever remembered them. Worse, even, than the time he had gone off benzos. The withdrawals then were more viscerally unpleasant, and certainly more physically dangerous. The difference this time, however, was the lack of steely determination he had had in the past. He went into that set of withdrawals determined to get off the benzos, he was forced into this round in the wringer.
Theo sat in the bed with chattering teeth, intermittently wiping sweat from his forehead and dry heaving into a bowl on the nightstand. Lily brought him a bowl of chicken noodle soup and a glass of water. She ignored the smell of the room as best as she could, but the sour scent of sweat and stale vomit stung her nostrils. I’ll clean it up, when this is all done, she would tell herself. But when would this end? Theo had promised her it would be a week at the most. But how much more time could she take off work? There were 4 more planes that had to get out by the end of the week, someone had to do the paperwork on them. Sure, there were plenty of people to help on that end, but she’d certainly be using her dad’s connections at this point to keep the job.
And what of Theo’s job? What kind of security did he have? She had texted Nurlan a bit, keeping things vague about Theo’s illness (even if it was self-inflicted). He had promised that Theo would have the union by his side, and that he was done with his probationary period and in the clear as of last week. She wasn’t so sure, though. Her dad would be asking questions, surely. She knew he wouldn’t like the answers. Most of all, he wouldn’t like that she was choosing to stand by his side.
Why was she? She wasn’t so sure. She thought back to past boyfriends. They had all been broken in one way or another. None of them with this kind of addiction, however. It was some vague sense of depression or mania-if she was lucky. There was the cokehead of course, but that was so obnoxious it wasn’t hard to break off. There was something almost endearing about cradling Theo before she used the Narcan. Like stoking a maternal instinct, not that she had ever wanted children. Stop thinking about children she scolded herself. What kind of world is this for children, and certainly not with this man.
Theo mumbled as she placed the soup and water on the night stand, “I can’t eat.”
“You need to eat.”
“I’ll just throw it up.”
“That’s why I made it bland.” She tried to keep the edge out of her voice. She grabbed the glass and held Theo’s head upright, “Drink.”
Theo took a few gulps then choked on the water. He groaned, “Can I ask something?”
Lily gave a weak smile, “Of course, we got all the time in the world here.”
“Why are you staying?”
She let the words hang in the air. It was a question she had asked herself, but one she had forced down into her subconscious. She sat on the edge of the bed, looking at the soup cooling next to the bowl of vomit, “I don’t know.” She said finally, “Mostly because it feels like quitting. But maybe I thought I could handle it. Maybe I just want a reason to suffer.” She smirked at Theo, “Thanks for the reason.”
Theo coughed and wiped the side of his mouth, “That’s not exactly a vote of confidence.”
“It’s not meant to be. It’s meant to be honest.” She sighed and grabbed the bowl of vomit, “I’ll clean this, eat the soup. I’ll bring this back by the time you finish.” She left the room. Theo stared at the soup for a moment, then grabbed the plate, hands trembling. Lily made her way out of the room, and gave a pained smile to Theo before walking out the door.
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Lily woke to Theo’s frantic pacing. His eyes were sunken and wild. He wrapped his arms around himself like he was trying to keep himself together by force. Lily rubbed her eyes, they stung from the sweat drenched into the sheets, “What are you doing?”
Theo muttered, “I can’t. I can’t do this anymore. It feels like death.”
“It’s not death, Theo, it’s withdrawal. Ride it out.”
Theo swung around, eyes wide and mad, “Ride it out? You have any fucking idea what it’s like trying to ride out something like this? This isn’t riding, it’s drowning.”
“We’ve talked about this, Theo, it’s almost over.”
“4 more days, 4 more fucking days. I can’t take another hour of this. Just one hit, let me ease off of it. I can go back to work tomorrow and ween myself down. You can give me the hits, I promise I won’t do anymore.”
Lily sat up, frowning, “I’m not doing that. I’m not going to help you kill yourself. I’m not getting any more fucking Narcan either.”
“I’m not tryna die, I’m tryna survive. This pain-it’s not natural. No one’s meant to feel like this. Please, if you loved me-”
Lily’s tone was cold as steel, “Don’t fucking go there Theo.”
Theo’s voice cracked, tears welling up in his eyes, “I just- I can’t take this anymore.”
Lily flipped away from Theo, “Then you shouldn’t have done this to yourself.” Theo held up his hands, as if he was about to speak, but flopped them down after a few moments. Resigned, he walked into the hallway. Lily closed her eyes and ignored the sweat stench stinging her nose. She tried to sleep. After a few deep breaths, she heard a crash in the hallway, then another. Theo started yelling. She rushed out of the bed into the hallway. Theo was on the ground, dazed with a bleeding head. Above him, a large hole in the drywall was crumbling left over pieces. She screeched, “Theo!”
Theo mumbled a bit to himself and laid back his head on the wall in resignation. Lily looked at his eyes, they were a bit dilated, but they had been ever since the withdrawals started. Whether or not he had a concussion, though, was a trivial matter to her now. What she knew now is that she couldn’t take one more moment of this. Theo groaned as he slid onto the floor. Lily turned around and walked into the room. She fumbled on her nightstand and found her phone, she dialed for Nurlan. There’s no chance he’ll answer, and then what? She thought to herself. To her awe, though, he answered after 3 rings. His voice was groggy from sleep. He knew what was happening, immediately, it seemed, “Is it Theo?” was how he answered the phone.
Lily’s voice broke, “I can’t do this anymore, I need you to come get him.”
“Send the address, should be there in 15.”
Lily was wiping blood from Theo’s forehead with a wet paper towel when Nurlan knocked on the door. He was regaining some semblance of coherence. “Who’s zat?” He slurred. Lily didn’t answer, she took one more swipe at his forehead with the paper towel and walked slowly to the door. She wasn’t sure what made her more worried; Theo, or the fact someone else was about to see what she had gotten herself into. She felt a pang of embarrassment as she opened the door.
Nurlan stood there, jaw clenched ever so slightly. He leaned into the apartment, but couldn’t see much on account of all the lights being off. He cleared his throat, “Where is he?” Lily knew she couldn’t speak without her voice breaking and meekly pointed to the hallway. Nurlan asked, “Is he-is he all there?”
Lily smiled through a sob, “As much as he could be.”
Nurlan turned on a light before entering the hallway. Theo flinched at the light and covered his face. When he saw Nurlan, he began to weep, “You told him?”
Nurlan crouched down to Theo, “She hadn’t told me anything, just that you needed some help. What happened here?” He gestured to the hole in the wall.
Theo sobbed, “I can’t take it anymore.”
“That’s a start then. Tried to kick the junk, I take it?” Theo nodded, “I called a few places on the way over here to see who had beds. Providence can take you into tonight. They’ll give you something for the withdrawals. They’ll show you how to live past the withdrawals, too. They’ll try to, at least.” Theo nodded again, lip quivering, “Will you go?”
Theo’s voice broke, “Please.” Nurlan held out his hand. Theo grabbed it. He was wobbly on his feet, both from the hit to his head and the lack of food he’d been able to keep down. Theo pleaded, “But, the job.” He didn’t mean Boeing. At least, not the job on the floor.
Nurlan draped his arm around his shoulder as he walked Theo to the door, “The EAP will cover it all, bud, don’t worry about the job. I won’t let them touch you.”
Theo walked-with Nurlan’s help-out the door and down the stairs. He glanced back at the apartment as he walked down the parking lot. Lily was standing there, a shadow backlit by the hallway light. She stood there rubbing her eyes, or at least her face. Theo wasn’t so sure. He wasn’t so sure about anything now. Nurlan packed Theo into the BMW. He locked eyes with Theo, his gaze cutting into Theo like a knife through butter, “This is either the start or the end of your life now, kid. It’s what you make of it.” Then they drove off, the lights of the city blurring by them as Nurlan sped to Providence. He didn’t want to give Theo a chance to change his mind.