The Beloved-Chapter 10
Theo adjusts to a new strange environment, but can't escape the outside world.
Theo sat in the group room. The topic was “Managing Urges”. He sipped on a lukewarm cup of decaf coffee. He tried shifting his chair around, but they were all weighted-to prevent anybody from being able to throw them. The group facilitator-if you could even call her that-stood at the front of the room. She was droning through the same speech every other facilitator would start with; that she’s a pre-licensed psychologist, her supervisor is Kim, and how much she’s enjoyed working with everyone at Providence. Theo did his best to keep his face covered with his coffee cup as she asked a question to the group, “So what kind of urges do you experience?”
One girl spoke up immediately, “An urge to kill myself.”
A few people chuckled, the facilitator scolded them, “That’s not something to laugh about.”
The girl smiled, “No, I meant right now. Cause this is so boring.” More chuckles from the group.
The facilitator stiffened her jaw and stared at the girl, “Becca, we went through this last week. If you can’t be respectful then we’ll need to ask you to leave.” Becca flipped her hair and looked away. The facilitator continued, “What other urges might we experience.”
A gruff man in a worn leather jacket responded, “To drink.”
An older woman nodded in agreement, “To use.”
The facilitator smiled, “Exactly, and what kind of experiences can bring that up?” The man in the leather jacket raised his hand meekly, “There’s no need to raise your hands here.”
He responded, “Well, when I argue with my wife, that’s usually what gets me to want to drink.”
“That’s good, what else?”
Theo cleared his throat, “Working.”
“And what about working?”
“Having to do it everyday.” The man in the jacket laughed and shook his head. Theo continued, “Waking up early, too.”
The facilitator folded her hands, “What do you notice about these events that cause these urges?” The group sat silently. A few glanced at each other, but nobody spoke up, “They’re all things we can’t avoid. So what do we do when we’re faced with these urges?”
The man in the leather jacket raised his hand again, then put it down with an embarrassed look on his face a moment later, “Ignore them?” Theo smirked, but made sure to suppress his laughter. Stuffing them down was the best route, but probably the hardest.
The facilitator replied, “We can try, but that doesn’t address the root cause of the urges. Urges are like waves, you can drown in them or you can try and surf them.”
Theo asked, “Can’t you drown while surfing too?”
A few people laughed softly. The facilitator pursed her lips, deciding whether or not to address the comment, “Sure, but the point is, if you don’t get on the board at all, then you’ll drown for sure. It’s the best hope you have.”
Theo took another sip of his coffee, “I’ve never surfed before.”
“Well, if you never try, you’ll stay stuck on the shore forever. Watching life pass you by.”
“Shore’s underrated, better for sunbathing.”
A few more in the group chuckled. The facilitator gave a tight smile, “Let’s try and keep this constructive.” Theo shrugged, “It’s not about surfing Theo, it’s about learning to face discomfort and not hiding from it.”
Theo rolled his eyes. The older woman in the group tried to support the facilitator, “When I have an urge, the only way I’ve ever been able to get through it is to acknowledge that it’s there, but remind myself it’ll pass.”
The facilitator smiled and pointed at the woman, “That’s a great strategy.”
Theo mumbled into his coffee, “That must be why she’s in rehab for the third time.” The chuckling stopped, the woman looked down at her lap.
The facilitator cleared her throat, “We’re not here to attack anybody here Theo, it’s not helpful. Besides-” She paused for a moment, wondering if what she was saying would be productive, “You ended up here too. It could very well be you in that chair in 20 years.”
I’d kill myself before then, Theo thought. He stared at the ground. He felt he wasn’t wrong, but was embarrassed nonetheless. The people here were weepy and sensitive, why did he feel the need to lash out at them? They were pathetic, but wasn’t he too?
The rest of the group session was a whirlwind of cliches and truisms. The words went straight through Theo’s brain. The truth of the matter was this wasn’t Theo’s first time either. His parents had paid for him to go to rehab another time when he had first dropped out of school. But he had gotten out of there quickly. Once he realized he could check himself out, he did. That was when he had met Steve. They met at a bar, and Steve gave Theo some coke. Things escalated quickly, and Theo started selling for Steve. He wondered how long it would be until he ended up in a similar situation again.
As the group ended, the facilitator announced the next smoke break. First, though, was snack time. The group got their choice of PBJs or dry turkey sandwiches, Theo opted for the turkey. He felt PBJs were too infantilizing in a space that already made him feel like an elementary schooler in detention. Everybody lined up by the door. One of the Mental Health Workers doled out shitty cigarettes to everybody who asked. As they walked out, another MHW lit their cigarettes, Theo thanked her as he walked out to the yard.
Theo stood at the edge of the yard, munching on his turkey sandwich between drags of his cigarette. The sour taste of the tobacco provided the only flavor to the turkey and white bread sandwich. A few of the patients stood near the door, chatting about what ended them up there or the stresses of their lives. Theo hoped to ignore them all. But against all his wishes Becca walked up to him with a smile. She took a bite of her PBJ and said with a full mouth, “You’re pretty funny, you know.”
Theo took a drag of his cigarette, “Wasn’t tryin’ to be.”
“I figured, you seem like more of a natural comedian than a forced one.” She said with a giggle.
“Just saying what feels right to me.”
“That’s good, gotta be true to yourself. Or at least fake it ‘til you aren’t fakin’ anymore.” Theo wondered what being true to himself even meant. He pondered if he even knew who he was. He took another bite of his sandwich and turned back to gazing outside the gate. Becca continued, “You know, being in a place like this has actually given me a sense of peace.”
Theo raised an eyebrow, “What, ‘cause you don’t have to go to work.”
She laughed and waved him off, “No, I barely work as it is. Hard to hold down a job.” She took a bite of her sandwich with a smile and chewed slowly before continuing, “I’ve started praying again in here. Reading the Bible too. Hadn’t done that since I was a kid. It’s different this time around too, I feel like I’m starting to connect with something.”
“Like God?”
“Something like that. I’m not sure what to call it. But I feel like there’s a reason I didn’t die that night. I think there’s a reason you’re here too.”
“The reason is my girlfriend caught me and I didn’t want to get kicked out.”
“That’s what you think, but there’s gotta be something else going on, too.”
“I don’t believe in God like that.”
“But you do believe?”
“I don’t think it matters what I believe.”
“It matters to you, at least.”
“Not really.” Theo took the last drag of his cigarette and stamped it out on the bottom of his shoe. “You trying to save me or convert me?”
“Same thing, really.”
“Well, I have no interest in either.”
She gave him a mischievous smile, “It’s not about what you want. Not in here, at least.”
“What’s that supposed to mean?”
She wiped peanut butter from the corner of her mouth, “You’ll see.” She wiped the crumbs off her shirt as she took the final bite of her sandwich. She began to hum a tuneless song and walked back to the main group.
Theo took another bite of his sandwich and stared at the ground. Now that there was no cigarette, he had nothing to occupy himself with. It was the only reason he had started smoking. The last time he had smoked he was 15, trying it out for the first time. It made him dizzy and nauseous, the smoke feeling like it was suffocating him. He needed something in here, though. It was his first time being stone cold sober since he was a teenager. Things were boring as hell, even ignoring that. It was a lot of standing and waiting, which was at least more engaging than the saccharine therapy sessions.
Theo took another bite of his sandwich, the turkey somehow less flavorful than before. He heard a rustling by the trashcans at the edge of the yard. At first he figured it was a rat, but after a burst of motion he saw a skinny gray and white cat pounce out from behind the trash cans. He noticed a small hole in the gate where the cat must have crawled through. “Lucky you, he said, at least you can get out.” The cat looked up at him quizzically and rolled onto his back. It let out a quiet meow and rolled in the grass.
Theo tore off a bit of his sandwich and tossed it to the cat. At first, it flinched and stood up. Theo knelt down and started cooing. The cat looked at him suspiciously, but slowly began to inch towards the sandwich. After a few sniffs, it started to eat. Theo chuckled, “You got worse taste than me.”
____________________________________________________________________________
Theo sat in the guest room, staring at his shoes. Around him, people were chatting or crying with relatives and loved ones. He wondered when Lily would show up, if she would show up. She hadn’t exactly given him the impressions she was dying to stick by him when he had left. She cared, that was clear enough. But you could only care so much for someone like Theo. Besides, he hadn’t made himself feel like there was anything much worth saving in here. He could barely make himself go through the motions, much less create any sort of change that the facilitators told him he needed. They’d tell him that he had made the first step in coming there. But what good is one step?
He heard someone mumble, “He’s over there.” An MHW pointed weakly towards the door. Theo darted his head around, it was her. The usual energy she had had been drained. If not from the moment she stepped out the door, then the moment she got in her car to leave. Before that, even. She stared at the ground as she walked over to Theo. He stood up when he saw her and smiled, she gave a half smile back.
She tried to pull out a chair, realized it was weighted, and then yanked it hard, scraping it against the ground. She sighed as she sat down, “Hey.”
Theo gave a tight nod, “Hey.” There was a pause, brief only because he spoke up, “I wasn’t sure you’d come.”
“I wasn’t sure either.” She looked at her shoes, moving around her feet like she was inspecting them, “But I thought about it a lot.”
“And what conclusion did you come to.”
She smirked ever so slightly and looked up at him through the sides of her eyes, “That I wanted to see you.” She straightened her back, “I wanted to see how you were doing here.”
“I’m tired.”
“You look like it.”
Theo chuckled, “You know how to build a guy up.”
“I’m not really trying to.”
Theo clenched his fist under the table, “What is it that you want, then?”
Lily paused for a moment and stared at the ceiling, “I think I want to know you.”
Theo scoffed, “There’s not much to know.”
“I don’t think that’s true. Clearly, there’s a lot going on with you that I didn’t know before. I knew you were a drunk, but I thought you were a well meaning one. One that could keep his shit together, too. But both of those, I’m not too sure about them now.”
Theo shrugged, “I like whatever I can get.”
Lily rolled her eyes, “So have you learned anything here?”
“Learned that I have a lot of trauma, they say. Or at least, that’s the only reason someone has to use.”
“What kind of trauma do you think you have?”
Theo laughed, “None, unless you include my parents being annoying when I was growing up.”
“So why are you like this then?”
“Wish I knew. Think I just like feeling good.”
Lily’s eyes narrowed and welled up with tears, “Don’t I make you feel good?”
She looked at Theo briefly, then glanced down at the table
Theo held up his hands, “Of course, of course. That’s why I’m here, ain’t it? Without suboxone, mind you. Figured I was through the worst of the withdrawals by now. No use in dragging it out.”
“I’m not even sure what suboxone is.”
Theo rolled his eyes, “Figured the context clues coulda filled you in.”
“They did.”
“Why’d you ask, then?”
She scoffed ever so slightly, “I wasn’t asking.” She tugged at her sleeves, “I just wanted
to make sure you know none of this makes sense to me.”
Theo stared down at the table. He picked at one of his nails on the left hand with his right. “So, why’d you come here then? Figured you needed to dump me in person?”
“I never said anything about dumping you. At least not if you let me get to know you a bit.”
Theo shrugged, “I can try, but like I said there’s not exactly much digging to do there.”
“Well,” Lily stood up, “You got plenty of time in here to do that. How much longer do you have, anyways?”
Theo stared at the door, “They recommend 30 days, but I doubt I’d avoid getting fired for that long. Best to keep it at a week, I think.”
“That gives you 5 days to figure out who you are then. I just think there’s more to you than…this. Whatever this is.” Lily leaned down to kiss Theo, but almost flinched when he went to kiss her back. Instead, she grabbed his head and kissed the top. “I gotta go, there’s a lot of cleaning to be done at home still. Nurlan is supposed to help me fill in the hole tonight.”
Theo reached out for her hand as she began to walk away. She grabbed it with a weak grip, gave a half smile, and then turned to the door and sulked through the door. The MHW shut the door after her, the click of the door echoing in Theo’s mind for far too long. He stood up and shoved the chair under the table. As he walked out to the door, he made a motion to the MHW indicating he wanted a smoke. She nodded and pointed him to the patio door.
He knocked on the glass looking into the nurse’s station. The secretary jumped as he did so. The secretary said with a gruff voice, “Need a smoke?” Theo nodded, “House cig or do you have your own.”
“Girlfriend should’ve dropped off some Pall Malls for me.” The secretary took out a couple backs, one red and one orange. Theo pointed, as if the secretary could tell what he was pointing towards, “The orange ones.” I’ll have to graduate to the reds here at this rate, he thought to himself. The harshness of even the house cigarettes barely bothered him any more. And in just two days of being there he had gotten quite dependent on nicotine. The mediums wouldn’t cut it for long, surely.
The secretary handed the cigarettes through the door and resumed scrolling on his phone. Theo heard him scoff at something as he walked off. A bored looking MHW opened the door as he saw Theo, “Have a good visit with your girl?” Theo hated how much they knew about what he was doing.
“Fine enough.” He replied. The MHW tried to chat further, but Theo just stuck a cigarette in his mouth and stared at him expectantly. The MHW rolled his eyes and held up the lighter, Theo leaned into the flame and relished the warm, harsh smoke filling his lungs. He inhaled deeper, like he could burn out the rest of the day with just one hit. A few of the others in the detox facility were milling around smoking cigarettes, but none of them were talking to each other this time. Theo mozied over to the trash cans and stared at the hole in the gate, hoping he might see the cat again. Instead, he was greeted with Becca smoking one of the house cigarettes. She smiled as he turned to look at her and walked over, “Like the smell of the trash or something?”
Theo pointed to the hole in the gate, “There’s a cat that comes through sometimes, was hoping I’d see it.”
Becca giggled, “That’s cute, I wouldn’t have pegged you as someone that gets sappy about animals.”
Theo took a drag of his cigarette and waved her off, “They’re better than people, at least.”
She smiled, “I’m the same way. Just with dogs though, and the really big animals. Cats are too standoffish.” She took a drag of her cigarette and coughed, “God, these are awful.”
“You can have one of mine if you want. Though, they’re still cheap.”
Theo pulled out his pack of Pall Malls which made Becca laugh, “God, I thought you work for Boeing. Get some spirits, or at least some marbs.”
“Marb reds are for racists and marb golds are for women and gays. Don’t fit into any of those categories.”
“And spirits?”
“Pretentious people.”
“Well, you’re certainly not pretentious.”
Theo knitted his eyebrows, “That a compliment or an insult.”
Becca leaned back on the gate and tucked a strand of hair behind her ear, “However you wanna take it.” She glanced over to the hole in the gate, like she was half expecting to see the cat too, “You gonna name it?”
Theo let the smoke out of his lungs, “The pack?”
Becca laughed, “No, the cat.”
“That’d just make me miss it more, I think.”
She widened her eyes and smiled, “For someone that pretends to not give a shit about anything, you sure do get sentimental about a dumb stray cat.”
Theo scoffed, “Tank’s not dumb.”
Becca laughed wildly, “Tank?”
“Figured it was funny, he’s a scrawny guy.” Theo said with a shrug.
“You’re hella sappy about this cat.” She took another drag of her cigarette and smiled.
“You would be too if you had seen him.”
Becca moved closer to Theo slowly, taking a puff of her cigarette as she did so. She smiled slyly at Theo as she inched closer. Theo took a step back, “You know, a lot of guys like you in places like these like to act tough or rough. You’re no different than them, really.”
He shrugged, “Never said I was any different.”
“Well, you act like it. And actions mean more than words, my mom always said.” She leaned her head back as she exhaled the smoke, “I like guys like that though. Fun to make you open up.”
Theo cocked his eyebrow, “You know my girlfriend was just here, right? How old are you, anyways?”
She took a hit from her cigarette, the cherry inching closer to the end, with the filter ripped off. She took a deep breath, “19, not that it matters.” She looked at him through the sides of her eyes, “And not that I was trying to flirt.” Becca opened her mouth to talk but before she could one of the MHW called after her for a visitor. She smirked at Theo, “Gotta go. Hope you see Tank.” She stamped her cigarette on the ground and almost skipped to the door. Theo wondered who came to visit her. Probably her parents, he thought.
Theo kicked a rock against the gate and then leaned up against it. He stared at the other people drifting around the yard, one had finished their cigarette and was sitting on the ground in a sort of meditative stance. An MHW beckoned one of them inside for a visitor. Theo thought for a moment about his parents, and what they would think of him being there. Happy, probably he assumed. But they’d expect me to actually get better.
A faint meow came from the bushes. Theo smiled, it was Tank. He rolled in the dirt and stretched his legs as he saw Theo. He knelt down and inched towards the cat as he made fake purring sounds. He felt ridiculous doing it, and would’ve worried what the other people in the yard thought if he didn’t disdain them already. The cat continued to roll in the dirt as Theo got closer, and finally started to rub his belly. Tank curled his head towards Theo’s hand and purred loudly. Theo scratched his stomach vigorously and then Tank bit him lightly. “Ahh.” Theo said with a fake fear in his voice, “So vicious.”
Theo heard someone shout his name from behind him, Tank flinched and scratched Theo as he ran out behind the gate. A lady MHW stood in the door, “Got another visitor.” Shit, she found my parents somehow, he thought to himself.
Theo walked back into the guest room. There was a flurry of parents, spouses, and friends talking to disheveled patients in the room. Theo scanned the room for his parents, but didn’t see them anywhere. Finally, he saw Jerry, sitting calmly in the corner of the room. It was the first time Theo had seen him wear anything other than a suit. He was wearing a hoodie and jeans. He was calmly sipping a cup of water as Theo sat down at the table, “How the fuck did you get in here?” Theo asked.
Jerry stared at him blankly, “Wasn’t hard to get your patient number, that’s all you need to get in. Lily had told her dad everything. Just took a few calls. So, then, how are you holding up?”
Theo laid his hands on the table, “Not great, if you couldn’t tell.”
“I had figured. But how is the plan coming along?”
Theo snorted, “I threw up on his coffee table and then he took me to rehab, so I don’t think I’ll be getting him hooked anytime soon.”
Jerry took a deep breath through his nose, “So you see our problem then.”
Theo sneered as he talked, “Don’t think I’m done here yet. We just need a new angle, is all.”
Jerry gave a satisfied frown, “We’re always open to new angles, you wouldn’t have been the first to fail at getting Nurlan hooked. We just had a bit more hope in you, is all.”
“I’m not exactly going to talk about big time sabotage in a loony bin detox center.”
“I never asked you to.”
“Give me a week to get out of here, and some time to meet with a friend, I’ll get this Nurlan thing sorted.”
“You seem quite confident.”
“It’s an area of expertise, I’ll say that much.”
“Didn’t have you pegged as somebody with any expertise, in all honesty.” Jerry took a sip of his water.
Theo shifted in his seat, pulling on the sleeve of his t-shirt, “It will take some time, I can tell you that. But I promise you the patience will pay dividends.”
Jerry narrowed his eyes, “We’re 3 months out from the strike. How much more patience can we afford?”
“The closer we get to the strike, the better.” Theo looked behind and saw the MHW staring at him intently, “This isn’t the place for this.”
Jerry shrugged, “You’re not wrong. But quite frankly, Theo, I’m not sure we need you anymore. We don’t want this ‘friend’ involved either. Do you remember what I had said about not wanting to fail?”
Theo squinted, “You didn’t say much on the topic.”
“I didn’t think I needed to.”
Theo huffed, “You didn’t. But if you came to threaten me. Here is a pretty bad place.”
“You’ll be out by the end of the week. Give us something when you get out.” Jerry chugged the last of his water, crumpled the cup and tossed it in the trash can on the side of the room. “I left you some Camels. Places like this will kill you with their cigarettes faster than the junk.”
“Got much experience there?”
Jerry glared at Theo, “We’re not here to talk about me.” He straightened out his hoodie as if it was a suit jacket. Like he hadn’t worn a hoodie in years. He nodded to the MHW who opened the door. He turned to walk away, then grabbed Theo, “Give me a hug, I told them I was your uncle.” Theo gave an awkward hug. Jerry sauntered out of the door. After he left, the MHW motioned for Theo to leave after him.
Theo skulked to his room. He lay down on the plastic mattress covered in thin, scratchy sheets. He curled into a fetal position, the only way he had found to keep warm in the clinic. He wondered if they turned the air up to keep them from multiplying like bacteria. He stared at the white blank wall for a few minutes, shaking every now and then from the withdrawals. After some time, an idea struck him. He grabbed the small paper journal and stubby pencil they gave all of them to write out their woes. He started writing.